Planning Your Escape by Building a Bridge to Your Future Self

Plan Your Escape:
What to do when your partner is driving you crazy

If all day long you're saying to yourself: "My partner is driving me crazy. This relationship is making me sick" it’s time to plan your escape. But you’re still hanging around because another pesky voice keeps saying:

"You can't just leave. You have to stay because of your credit card debt, rent payments, healthcare, and what your friends and family will say. And you’re not perfect; you’ve made mistakes, gotten angry and nagged. You did love him once and some part of you still loves him. What’s blocking that love now? What if you’re making a big mistake and will regret leaving him? Shouldn’t you just work on it? Have you really worked hard enough to make this relationship work? Do you really think you can do better? How are you going cope with being alone when you know how scared you are of being lonely?”

Let's face it, you're stuck in a cycle of upset, dissatisfaction, doubt, guilt, and confused feelings. You might be afraid of hurting his feelings or, worse, have fear of his anger, rage, and physical violence. But you’ve been unhappy for years and you’ve changed into this angry, bitter, depressed person who is not who you used to be. You’ve lost your true self in this relationship.

How have others solved this dilemma? Some have had an affair or elevate the level of anger to a point where one or the other is pushed to some form of physical or verbal abuse. This is a less than optimal [in other words, neurotic] way of sparking the motivation to file the divorce papers or call the lawyers. That is, make it so bad that you have to face reality and make a decision.

Before you reach the desperate stage in your relationship you might approach your partner with a more courageous and honest way of dealing with the changes that have occurred in your relationship. You could try to have your partner face the fact that what was once a fire of passion and romance has become a dying ember. You could say it this way, taking a page from the movie Annie Hall:

“Let’s face it, I don’t think our relationship is working. . . . a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. What we have is a dead shark . . . let’s face it, this isn’t working.”

If you’re not ready to split now. Try these four “plan your escape” steps:

1. Plan your escape. This is the time to seriously consider a strategic plan for leaving your relationship at a time that is most beneficial to you. Consider how much time you need to scale down your expenses, pay off debts, get in shape, expand your social circle, and update your look.

Pick a specific date, say six to twelve months from today, that's convenient to you financially and emotionally––a date when you can feel certain that you’ve given your relationship, your partner, and yourself a good effort.

Note: you are not trying to leap out of your current situation [home, job, or relationship]; you’re building a bridge to your future, improved life.

2. Change your inner dialog. It's very natural to find yourself constantly complaining about your relationship to your friends and family. Once you've decided to start planning your escape––on your terms––you no longer have to keep telling yourself, "I hate him, I just don’t feel the same. I wish I had the courage to leave." Finally, you're taking action. Remember: a major part of your strategic action plan is to temporarily stay where you are.

Tell your complaining voice: "Thank you and shut up. By April 15^th or June 15^th we'll be free and in touch with my old self. I'm Choosing to plan my escape."

3. Watch your attitude improve. Choosing to use build your strength and resources while staying in your current home or relationship [or job] for a few more months will change any feelings of being passive victim, the prisoner, or the captive. You're active in planning the right time for your escape. This principle has been used successfully by the military in training captured soldiers to maintain their morale and increase their chances of survival.

4. Expect a surprise. Everyone I've coached in this strategy has achieved more than he or she asked for or expected.

Start to improve your health habits, your look, and your wardrobe while writing down how you will feel in your ideal relationship. For example: I’d feel respected, heart, loved, appreciated, supported, and desired. Rehearse asking for what you want from a better relationship. Let friends know. And, if you see any improvement in your partner, you might tell him. Don’t accept argument or guilt-tripping as a response but do expect a surprise. Life tends to give you what you expect. It feels quite magical at times but it’s just you telling your subconscious genius [and dreaming mind] to start working on it for you. And it puts together the pieces and then taps you on the shoulder as if to say, “There he is; that’s who you told me to find.”

© Neil Fiore, PhD, 2016 Voice: 510/ 525-2673 For more articles and coaching see: http://www.neilfiore.com/neil/executive-and-personal-coaching/ and www.neilfiore.com

The Voices Inside Your Head: Who’s in Charge of Your Life?                  Neil A. Fiore, Ph.D.
I know the voice of depression still calls to you.
I know those habits that can ruin your life still send their invitations.
But you are with the Friend now and look so much stronger.
You can stay that way and even bloom! . . .  
. . . O keep squeezing drops of the Sun from your prayers and work and music
and from your companion’s beautiful laughter
and from the most insignificant movements of your own holy body.
Now, sweet one, be wise.
Cast all your votes for Dancing!
-- Hafiz, 1320-1389, Cast All Your Votes for Dancing

 

Who is it inside your head that speaks with the voices of depression, anxiety, and worry? Who is it that listens to those voices without identifying with them? Who is the part that feels insecure, lacks confidence and motivation, and seeks personal power?

Where is the part of you that can offer compassion and guidance to yourself?

Does your strong and powerful Self need a wake-up call to take charge?

see Awaken Your Strongest Self [McGraw-Hill, 2009] and www.neilfiore.com for accessing your Strongest Self and higher brain

 

How to Access More Brain Power

ACCESSING MORE BRAIN POWER

                                                                Neil A. Fiore, PhD

Whenever you respond to a question or a puzzle with: “let me sleep on it; it’s going to be interesting; or it will come to me” you are signaling your night shift subconscious wisdom to start working on your projects.

Such common statements demonstrate your confidence that you can access a deeper level of knowledge, wisdom, and solutions that is far beyond what they can achieve by worrying with just their conscious mind.

You obviously have access to more brain-cell power than just your struggling conscious mind and conscious identity.

And when they ask you, “How did you do that? That was brilliant.” you can say: “I pulled it out of thin air; or a little bird told; or I don’t know, it just came to me.” Or you could say what Hercule Poirot, Agatha Christie’s detective, says,
“I let the little gray cells do the work.”

Keep expecting your “Night Shift,” dreaming mind to work for you and it will start showing up repeatedly with solutions and positive surprises.

See my website and Awaken Your Strongest Self (McGraw-Hill, 2009)

(c) 2015 Neil A. Fiore, PhD  www.neilfiore.com   neil@neilfiore.com

Christmas Truce: How ordinary people stopped the killing

Christmas Truce WWI and Vietnam

How ordinary people stopped the killing
Neil Fiore, Former 1^st Lieutenant with 101^st Airborne in Vietnam

A human being is a part of the whole that we call the universe . . . .
[Yet] he experiences himself . . . as something separated from the rest—
a kind of optical illusion of his consciousness . . . a prison for us. . . .
Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our
circle of compassion to embrace all living beings and all of nature.
-- Albert Einstein

In Silent Night: The Story of the World War I Christmas Truce Stanley Weintraub writes of how the English and German troops ceased their hostilities on Christmas Eve of 1914. The Germans moved out of their trenches first, carrying a lighted Christmas tree and singing carols—Stille Nacht and O Tannenbaum—German hymns that have English versions. Soon the British joined in and both sides exchanged presents and food, buried their dead, and played soccer during this troop‑initiated cease‑fire. There was one notable exception: a private named Adolf Hitler who refused to join in.

The unofficial truce of 1914 lasted for two full days. Then the generals on both sides ordered the spoiled troops replaced with new ones who had not met their enemy face to face so the war could resume.

                When I first heard of this amazing story I was reminded of a somewhat less dramatic incident I experienced during my unusual tour of duty in Vietnam. Our advanced unit of the 101st Airborne had no official home so we joined with a Special Forces unit in Nha Trang, a beach town 300 miles north of Saigon (now called Ho Chi Minh City). One of the favorite bars of my men was the Mickey Mouse, owned by Francois, a French chef and former Foreign Legionnaire who had married a Vietnamese woman and had two beautiful daughters. We had been dining—if you can call it that—on Army rations for months when Francois invited four of us—myself, a Special Forces Colonel, and two other lieutenants—to his real French restaurant at the very edge of the jungle.

We’d been eating C-Rations out of tin cans, what the Vietnamese offered on the street and an occasional meal at Special Forces. So when Francois described the menu at his restaurant:  filet mignons of water buffalo, real French fries, and giant spiny lobster, served with French wines, we started salivating like four hunting dogs.

Feeling the excitement of both danger and anticipation, we drove our jeep through dense vegetation to Francois’ “Parisian-jungle” restaurant, at the very edge of what I called “shark turf.”  

As we pulled up to the entrance of Chez Francois, we were greeted by a scene right out of South Pacific, complete with palm-covered thatched buildings lit with red lanterns. Our minds were a thousand miles from any thoughts of war and the VC’s expertise at guerrilla warfare. All we could think of was the sumptuous feast Francois had promised us.

What we saw next was a complete adrenaline-fueled shock: at least 30 Vietcong cradling Chinese-made AK47s, squatting in their black silk uniforms around the entire building, white opium pipes sticking out from under their conical straw hats. For the moment they seemed more interested in their opium than in four Americans armed with only 45-caliber pistols.

I gasped at my first sight of armed Viet Cong soldiers up close and couldn’t help thinking of the reports of their brutal torture of any Americans unfortunate enough to be captured alive. The hair rose on the back of my neck and the adrenaline was pumping just the way it did when I was a kid in Jersey City surrounded by gang members on my way home from school. Once again, we were outnumbered and out‑gunned. Only this time, I’d suffer more than a black eye.

We knew it would be foolhardy to try to fight. We had to stay cool if we were going to get back to camp alive. By some grace all four of us were not the type to panic or reach reflexively for his 45. As he took the first step up to Francois’ the Colonel struck a casual tone as he, in passable French, said to the Vietcong, “Bon soir.” I was impressed but still in a heightened state of attention and hoping we’d be alive just a little bit longer to enjoy what might well be our last meal.

The aromas and flavors of Francois’ cooking helped focus my senses on the pleasure of being alive and on gratitude for the miracle and craziness of life. I was on heightened alert for the sound of automatic weapon fire, as well as for the anticipation of each course Francois served us with such obvious delight. I still can taste the firm texture of the giant lobster, the tartness of the dry white wine, the sweetness of the water buffalo, pomme frites unlike any french fries I every had back home, and a silky red wine that carried the aromas of southern France. Savoring this excellent meal in this most incongruous of places was almost enough to erase the threat of death that crouched outside.

I tried to stay focused on the pleasures of the moment but my concentration was interrupted by Francois’s stories – complete with maps of his Foreign Legion campaigns – of how the fathers of the skilled and ferocious fighters waiting outside had defeated the French. Almost two hours of exquisite dining had somehow passed when we finally heard the chilling wake‑up call. Francois looked at his watch and announced, “C'est dix heures. It's 10 o'clock, time for the VC to come in.”

We offered Francois our Merci beaucoup, paid our bill, and tried to stand tall. Then, without a word, we each took a breath, and walked out through the doors into the night, ready to accept whatever fate awaited us.

                We found the VC in the same position as two hours earlier, though possibly mellowed by opium. Following the colonel’s lead, I nodded respectfully to our VC counterparts and, in my best high school French, wished them a Bon soir et bon appetit. Somehow, I managed to get to our jeep without breaking into a mad dash or looking over my shoulder at the VC.

                I felt I had witnessed a miracle of the human spirit that night. We had seen our “enemy” face to face and no one, on either side, felt the need to destroy the other or to prevent him from savoring the pleasures and beauty of this world for a few more hours.

Soon after that magical night, I started the practice of saying a silent grace before every meal and a thank you for every day. I promised myself that I would take time to savor each meal as if it might be my last. I also made a mental note to keep faith in the wondrous higher qualities of human beings, and the possibility that individuals can choose peace even in the midst of fear and extreme chaos.

But within a month of that evening at Francois’s, the American and North Vietnamese generals arrived in South Vietnam. All gentleman's agreements were off and I’m sure neither side would wait patiently while their enemy savored one of life’s feasts at Francois’.  No one would wish the other side, Bon soir et bon appetite.

 [1,246 words]

© Neil Fiore, 2003-2012. All rights reserved. neil@neilfiore.com   www.neilfiore.com  510 525- 2673.   Neil Fiore, 1496 Solano Ave., Albany, CA 94706‑2148.     www.neilfiore.com/coach.shtml www.neilfiore.com/articles.shtml  

Author of: Awaken Your Strongest Self [McGraw-Hill, 2009], The Now Habit: Overcoming Procrastination While Enjoying Guilt-Free Play (Penguin, 2010), and Coping with the Emotional Impact of Cancer (Bay Tree, 2010).

What's Your Identity Based On?

IDENTITY EGGS IN ONE BASKET?

 

 When you face a major change in your life—retirement, losing your job, your kids leaving for college, or an unexpected accident—you quickly discover that a large part of your identity was invested in something or someone that is no longer there. Who are you now without the former activities and relationships?

You, or who you thought you were, must change to fit into a new world, a new job, and an entirely new daily scheduled.

Beware of what follows “I am” because that’s where you place your identity and limit your sense of self. Keep your identity eggs—like your investments—in several baskets, never in just one. You could say that the only thing that needs to follow "I am" is a period; as in "I am." "I am here; I exist and I refuse to be defined by a limited identity."

To be resilient during the inevitable changes of life, your identity must be more than your job title, your roles in the lives of others, and much more than who you think you are.

            What do you need to know about maintaining a robust, resilient identity? _______________

            Which baskets are holding your identity eggs?    ____________________________________

            What will you do today to find and expand a new aspect of your larger sense of self? ______

©2012 Neil Fiore, PhD  www.neilfiore.com www.neilfiore.com/coach.shtml

The Power of Naming Your Inner Voices

Change Your Name & Succeed Neil A. Fiore, PhD For coaching, upcoming webinars, and free articles see www.neilfiore.com www.neilfiore.com/coach.shtml

      When our slalom ski race team went to Whistler Mountain to train for the upcoming ski season we met an outstanding ski instructor named Wendell Moore. His task was to teach us how to ski the expert black diamond slopes of Whistler and Blackcomb mountains. Wendell looked over his class of older, anxious hopefuls and said: “You have the latest equipment that allows you to ski effortlessly, but you’re struggling as if you still have those old heavy boots and skis from over twenty years ago.”     

     As a psychologist, I had to start taking notes because this is an excellent metaphor for what I see my clients doing when they’re trying to struggle with current issues using the limited coping skills of their childhood. When under pressure or distress we all tend to revert to primitive defenses forgetting our adult knowledge and strength and lose sight of the opportunities right in front of us today. As remarkable as Wendell’s first statement was, his next remark nearly knocked me out of my skis. He said: “I haven’t got time to teach the old you how to ski like an expert, so I’m going to change your names to those of native born skiers.” Pointing to one each of us in turn, starting with the woman, he called out: “You can be Ingrid; you’ll be Heidi; you’re Fritz; Franz; Helmut; Hans; Wolfgang; and Neil, you’re Jean-Claude Killy.    
    This seemingly small adjustment in my identity helped me to stop waiting for my old identity to feel confident enough to ski down an overwhelming glacier. Only my new, Olympic self could ski directly down an expert, black diamond slope faster, straighter, and steeper than I’ve ever skied before. My old self (and name) didn’t know how. To ski down this expert slope I would need to assume the identity of an expert by getting into the Zone beyond my old, limited identity.     
    Wendell’s amazing strategy also helped enhance the power of my coaching. I repeatedly see how my clients struggle from an old, limited sense of self—an old, outdated identity—and how it keeps them stuck in the same patterns just as it kept me stuck skiing at the intermediate level until I learned how to shift my identity to that of an Olympic champion.                                                
   Changing names has long been a way of assigning new responsibilities and powers as when a King, a Queen assumes the throne and takes a new name that links him or her to the long line of predecessors. This conferring of a new sense of self by changing someone’s name also occurs in the New Testament when Simon is given the name, Peter along with the responsibility to “feed my sheep;” Saul becomes Paul; and Levi becomes Matthew.    

  Taking a new name of course means that an old name is replaced or “cast out” as in the New Testament reports of prophets casting out demons by naming them. Today we don’t do much casting out of demons but, in my work, I often ask clients to give a name to a critical or demanding voice so this negative habit or part can be seen and heard as separate from the stronger, mature Self that has the goal of living more peacefully and productively. You might ask yourself, “Who’s that critical part of me? What do I –meaning your stronger, mature Self—want to say to that part?” Wendell might say, “Your old identity is still using old ways of coping but your current Self wants to ski [or live life] effortlessly like an expert. When you name your old demons—casting them out so to speak and casting out the doubts of those fearful parts of yourself ––you are taking on a new, empowered name of Self or Leader of my life.
        
    What parts of you needs to be named and, if not caste out, integrated with your larger brain and stronger Self to become part of your inner team? What will be your new name and sense of Self as you take on the empowered role of the leader and champion of your life?
www.neilfiore.com For coaching: www.neilfiore.com/coach.shtml

Break Free of Procrastination and Anxiety by Controlling Your Fears

Break Free of Procrastination and Anxiety by Controlling Your Fears
by Neil Fiore, PhD www.neilfiore.com

Our fear of mistakes, embarrassment, loss, or criticism can lead to futile attempts at controlling life, others, and the outcome of events. This only leads to greater anxiety and greater need to procrastinate, avoid, and control events, tasks, and people.

Having faced several life-threatening experiences by the age of 32, including a “terminal cancer” diagnosis, I know the power of coming to term with death and loss. I’m a big fan of facing fears immediately, saying to myself, “Yes, I could die in that situation; I could suffer loss with that person. I will choose what to do. I may not win, but I will play full out.” [new sentence] “By choosing to get my fear inoculation I can show up, get started on this project and become productive.”
Fear has its purposes and survival value. It warns us to be careful; to avoid being too impulsive or acting without enough knowledge, or to even procrastinate at times. Fear, like worry, asks us to do a Risk-Benefit Analysis from our higher, human brain (prefrontal cortex). It motivates us to make plans and strategies for survival.
I also know how denying our human vulnerability and trying to avoid what you fear can lead to destructive procrastination, attempts at control, and even Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Fear builds when you try to control what happens in life or how others feel about you. The more important the goal, the more you try to get control which only makes you feel frustrated and out of control, often leading to panic. Control is like potato chips, you will always want more. It’s a dangerous drug and an illusion. On the one hand we have limited control over life and, on the other we can be very powerful in creating a comfortable living environment, friends, a delicious meal, plans, products and services, and a meaningful life. The trick is knowing the edges of what we control and when we must let go of trying to control.
To say make this point more succinctly, take a look at my version of the very elegant Serenity Prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot control; courage to work on what I can control [mostly my attitude and how I treat myself], and wisdom to know the difference.

Instead of trying to control or trying to avoid what you fear might happen it is more empowering to face the worst that could happen—even death, loss, embarrassment, rejection, or loneliness. Facing fear reduces the fear; breaks the habit of fear and avoidance, and sets you free. Perhaps, just as “the truth will set you free,” so facing the truth of your human vulnerability also sets you free.
For procrastinators this means learning to face your fear of mistakes, criticism, self-doubt, and the awful self-threat that you would make yourself miserable if you fail.
For those who suffer from anxiety, chronic worry, or OCD, the fear of not being in control can lead to extreme anxiety and a full-blown panic attack. Yet lessening or curing OCD [and overcoming procrastination] requires that you repeatedly face your fears in small, manageable bites. This really means that you fully accept yourself as human and, therefore, as vulnerable to mistakes, hurts, loss, and joy. Perhaps it is this full acceptance of yourself that lessens fear and the need to control. Instead of trying to be like a god, an angel, or a Peter Pan who flies above human difficulties, you join with the rest of us in the humus, the humility, the humanity of being earthbound. Release the struggle of trying to control, let your muscles and mind relax and then discover that the chair, the floor, the earth, and the bed will hold you. Discover that you don’t have to try so hard alone; you’re connected and supported.
www.neilfiore.com/coach.shtml

COMMENCEMENT: NEW BEGINNINGS

Change is constant; all relationships change.
www.neilfiore.com
My soul is from elsewhere,
I'm sure of that.
And I intent to end up there. . . .
I did not come here of my own accord
And I can't leave that way.
Whoever brought me here will have to take me home.
--Jalaluddin Rumi 1207-1270

It’s Spring and our fledglings are about to leave the nest, flying off to the larger world that awaits them.

High schools and colleges all around the country will be having commencement exercises. So many of our fledglings are taking flight—trying out their wings and taking off to foreign lands and foreign homes, leaving us with empty nests. They think of their “commencement” as an end to the drudgery of homework and boring classes. But the word itself means a beginning, an inauguration, an initiation, or a new start; which it is for those leaving and those left.

We who are left with an empty nest in many cases will begin a new stage of our lives as well and new roles and even new identities. The roles and identity of mother and father carry such great weight that there should be a formal initiation, commencement for us to recognize the momentous journey parents take on: birth, first steps, leaving for daycare, kindergarten, first date, the stress of graduation from high school and college applications, and, eventually, leaving the nest.

It takes great courage to open oneself to the vulnerability of having children and birthing them into a world we can’t possibly control or protect them from. This Choice is an acknowledgement of our natural human vulnerability--not a weakness--and our stronger self.

We must continue to love our children without having control and without being controlling. And then we set them free to fly into life and feel a new level of loss. We have been so completely enmeshed in our role to parent, mentor, friend, teacher, and coach that we are shocked to discover that our job of 18 years is over; taken away with a “commencement” exercise, a graduation.

We lose our cherished and often stressful parental role but also a major identity—a large part of who we thought we were. We lose a part of our identity when we lose a job, a home, a relationship, or our health. The severity of the loss depends on how many of our identity eggs are in one basket. Those with diverse activities and roles in life may have a slightly easier time of losing one identity or one role. Nevertheless, there is a loss of identity when our children leave home.

Losing your identity can be a painful loss, but not necessarily a bad thing. It can open us to the unexplored aspects of our larger self. While always uncomfortable, the loss of identity can lead to living life more as a creative improvisation rather than following a set script; can open us to a surprise, a sense of wonder about “What’s next?”
www.neilfiore.com coaching: www.neilfiore.com/coach.shtml
Facebook: www.facebook.com/neilfiore

Break Free of Procrastination and Anxiety by Controlling Your Fears

NEED TO BE IN CONTROL? You may be making yourself more anxious
by Neil Fiore, PhD author of The Now Habit www.neilfiore.com

Executive and Personal Coaching

Our fear of mistakes, embarrassment, loss, or criticism can lead to futile attempts at controlling life, others, and the outcome of events. This only leads to greater anxiety.

Having faced several life-threatening experiences by the age of 32, including a “terminal cancer” diagnosis, I know the power of coming to term with death and loss. I’m a big fan of facing fears immediately, saying to myself, “Yes, I could die in that situation; I could suffer loss with that person. I will choose what to do. I may not win, but I will play full out.”
Fear has its purposes and survival value. It warns us to be careful; to avoid being too impulsive or acting without enough knowledge, or to even procrastinate at times. Fear, like worry, asks us to do a Risk-Benefit Analysis from our higher, human brain (prefrontal cortex) and to make plans for survival.
I also know how denying our human vulnerability and trying to avoid what you fear can lead to destructive procrastination, attempts at control, and even Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Fear builds when you try to control what happens in life or how others feel about you. The more important the goal, the more you try to get control which only makes you feel frustrated and out of control, often leading to panic. Control is like potato chips, you will always want more. It’s a dangerous drug and an illusion. On the one hand we have limited control over life and, on the other we can be very powerful in creating a comfortable living environment, friends, a delicious meal, plans, products and services, and a meaningful life. The trick is knowing the edges of what we control and when we must let go of trying to control.
To say make this point more succinctly, take a look at my version of the very elegant Serenity Prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot control; courage to work on what I can control [mostly my attitude and how I treat myself], and wisdom to know the difference.

Instead of trying to control or trying to avoid what you fear might happen it is more empowering to face the worst that could happen—even death, loss, embarrassment, rejection, or loneliness. Facing fear reduces the fear; breaks the habit of fear and avoidance, and sets you free. Perhaps, just as “the truth will set you free,” so facing the truth of your human vulnerability also sets you free.
For procrastinators this means learning to face your fear of mistakes, criticism, self-doubt, and the awful self-threat that you would make yourself miserable if you fail.
For those who suffer from anxiety, chronic worry, or OCD, the fear of not being in control can lead to extreme anxiety and a full-blown panic attack. Yet lessening or curing OCD [and overcoming procrastination] requires that you repeatedly face your fears in small, manageable bites. This really means that you fully accept yourself as human and, therefore, as vulnerable to mistakes, hurts, loss, and joy. Perhaps it is this full acceptance of yourself that lessens fear and the need to control. Instead of trying to be like a god, an angel, or a Peter Pan who flies above human difficulties, you join with the rest of us in the humus, the humility, the humanity of being earthbound. Release the struggle of trying to control, let your muscles and mind relax and then discover that the chair, the floor, the earth, and the bed will hold you. Discover that you don’t have to try so hard alone; you’re connected and supported. For coaching and webinars see www.neilfiore.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/neilfiore

Cal Ripken on Perseverance & Mental Toughness

Get Unstuck from Procrastination; Get onto Productivity
CAL Ripken on "Perseverance"Mental Toughness
I heard Cal speaking today at a conference. I asked: "What did you tell yourself to maintain Mental Toughness when the Orioles were having a losing season?"
Cal answered with his unique style of facing the Press, the physical pain and the slumps, something like this: At first I would struggle against the pressure--just like most people do. But then I'd tell myself, I'm prepared; I've trained; I know what to do. Just relax, step back and focus on the ball, just as if there's no pressure.
What the master of perseverance said was--from my point view--what I tell my coaching and webinar clients: "Just keep showing up. Don't try to control what you can't control, but work with it, challenge it, wonder about it.
see www.neilfiore.com for upcoming webinars on Productivity, Time Management, Conquering Procrastination, Getting Unstuck, Balancing Your Life, and Effective Goal Setting

Tough Economic Times--Reduce stress, insomnia, worry

Reduce Worrying During Tough Times
Neil Fiore, PhD

Worrying is a sign that your brain needs a plan for survival.
Feed your hungry neurons with these steps of inner security
and you’ll lower the volume on the voices of your worrying mind.

1. Create a Plan—“if – then”
Answer the voices of “What if I lose my job?” with a plan that says
“This is what we will do if that happens then I’ll feel stressed, then
I’ll cry, then I’ll contemplate declaring bankruptcy, then I’ll file job applications at McDonalds, then I’ll study the fast-food retail business, expand my resume, and apply for a manager’s job. Then I’ll look for management jobs in other fields closer to my prior experience and education.”

2. Separate your Worth from your work.
Break the Worth = Work Puritan equation.
Don’t let your net worth determine how you feel about your worth
as a person. “Regardless of the feedback [notice: it’s
not criticism --only feedback-- when you have solid self-worth] you receive, your worth is always safe with me. I won’t make you feel bad.

3. THE ULTIMATE PLAN: Guarantee that you will not make yourself
feel bad, no matter what others think, no matter what happens.
Answer these questions:
1. What is the worst that could happen?
2. What would I do if the worst really happened?
3. How would I possible lessen the pain and get on with as much calm as possible if the worse did occur?
4. What alternatives would I have?
5. What can I do now to lessen the probability of this dreaded event occurring?
Tell the frightened, overwhelmed part of you: “Even if these things happen, your worth is safe with me.”

Avoid over-reacting to the weekly and daily ups and downs of the Stock Market but, also, do not become completely passive.
• Shift from worry to planning––Do the Work of Worrying
Write down ways you and your family can reduce expenses or manage your finances more efficiently. Making plans for how to cope will reduce your stress and worry.
Putting things down on paper and committing to a plan gets worry out of your gut and processes it through your higher brain.
www.neilfiore.com Sign up for free Aug 25 Webinar

GETTING UNSTUCK QUIZ

Identify Your Blocks to Success
HOT TIPS: What’s Keeping You Stuck? The Fiore Productivity Program™
Neil A. Fiore, PhD

GETTING UNSTUCK QUIZ—Achieve Full Potential

Could your life be considerably more fulfilling, passionate and joyful? Discover how to rapidly get unstuck from unnecessary barriers and unleash your full potential. Start by answering these questions and rate yourself on the Get Unstuck Quiz to learn how this program can help you.
On a scale of 1 to 4, how true are the following statements in describing your behavior or feelings? 1 represents the least true for you and 4 the most true.

How true are the following statements for you? SCORE

1. I feel stuck and want to start achieving my full potential.
1- Not at all true 2- Somewhat true 3- Quite a Bit 4- Very True _________

2. I’d like to know how to remove a major obstacle to my happiness and success.
1- Not at all true 2- Somewhat true 3- Quite a Bit 4- Very True _________

3. I need to get out of negative relationships and away from people who drain my energy.
1- Not at all true 2- Somewhat true 3- Quite a Bit 4- Very True _________

4. I frequently ask myself, “But, what if something goes wrong?”
1- Not at all true 2- Somewhat true 3- Quite a Bit 4- Very True _________

5. I’d love to feel that that there is essentially nothing wrong with me—
that I can be happy with who I am.
1- Not at all true 2- Somewhat true 3- Quite a Bit 4- Very True _________

6. I’d like to be less worried about criticism and less dependent on the approval of others.
1- Not at all true 2- Somewhat true 3- Quite a Bit 4- Very True _________

7. I’d like to be less distracted by worries and more capable of enjoying the moment.
1- Not at all true 2- Somewhat true 3- Quite a Bit 4- Very True _________

8. I want to regain some vital motivation, excitement and sense of purpose about my life.
1- Not at all true 2- Somewhat true 3- Quite a Bit 4- Very True _________

9. I want to learn how to stay focused on my top priority projects.
1- Not at all true 2- Somewhat true 3- Quite a Bit 4- Very True _________

10. I definitely need to change something about my situation in the next 6-12 months.
1- Not at all true 2- Somewhat true 3- Quite a Bit 4- Very True _________ TOTAL ____________
Your Score Results:

30-40: STOP THE STRUGGLE. GET UNSTUCK. TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE NOW.
Your life could be easier, more joyful and fulfilling with much less anxiety and self-doubt. Start immediately to use the change strategies and techniques contained in The Fiore Productivity Program. Pay attention to those strategies that build confidence and your sense of worth. Practice using the early signs of struggle as a wake-up call to shift to your new optimal performance skills and almost effortless focus.

20-29: You’re motivated to significantly improve your effectiveness in life by removing old blocks and out-dated patterns. Practice identifying your usual ways of coping and prepare updated, healthier and effective alternatives. Give special attention to Effective Communication, Effective Self-Management Skills and insist on playing a leadership role in your life.

10-19: Congratulations! You’re in great shape. Use The Fiore Productivity Program strategies, exercises and action steps to sharpen the skills you already have and shorten your learning curve. With minimal effort you can learn how to move rapidly toward solutions that lead to self-fulfillment, the achievement of your objectives, and truly taking charge of your life.

WATCH FOR SOLUTIONS IN NEIL'S UPCOMING EBOOK, HOT TIPS FOR SUCCESS

(c)2010 Neil Fiore, PhD www.neilfiore.com Coaching: www.neilfiore.com/coach.shtml

Myth: I'm stressed because my job is stressful

The Myth: My job is stressful. Therefore, I’m stressed.

The Tip: Replace danger messages—“I can’t stand this; I’m going to die; I have finish all this work; This is like a 10.0 earthquake” with messages of safety and you will be in control of your stress levels. Insuring that “no matter what happens, your worth is safe with me” will create inner safety and will eliminate more than 80% of your stress.
Try, “This is not the end of the world. Regardless of what happens I won’t make you feel bad” as you exhale with ”It’s only a 3.0 earthquake.”

The Truth: External stress is a fact that will cause your body to react with stress hormones, but you can learn to control for how long and how deeply you are impacted.
True, your job may be stressful, poorly managed, and impossible to complete during normal and healthy working hours. But unless your job involves being shot at and running into burning buildings, most likely, you are inflicting the stress by self-threats such as You have to finish, You should have, What’s wrong with you?
See www.neilfiore.com Articles for a Centering Exercise that shuts off stress within 30 seconds.
For coaching: www.neilfiore.com/coach.shtml

Myth, Tip, Truth

The Myth: I can’t change. That’s who I am.

The Tip: Link your current self-defeating, depressive behavior to a corrective action using “If- Then” mental rehearsals.
“If I feel this way [and usually end up in the same old place, doing the same old behaviors] then I will focus on one small step I can do now to improve the situation.”

Example: If I eat a whole bag of cookies, breaking my New Year’s Resolution once again, then I will walk for 15 minutes and throw away any remaining sweets.

The Truth that underlies it all: your brain needs clear images of what to do to achieve your goals: When you will start; Where you will start; on What you will start. You body can’t be in the imaginary future where your goals always are. Your brain and body need a clear time and place to focus on starting.
Research shows that your brain learns very quickly when you make a link between the If [the feeling or event that tends to side-track you] and the Then [the corrective action you will take to move closer to your vision, your mission, and your higher values.
You can change your behavior and significantly improve your odds of achieving your goals by giving your brain clear image of when to start. As a side-benefit you may change as well.

Watch for more on Myth, Tip, and Truth from Dr. Neil Fiore at www.neilfiore.blogspot.com www.neilfiore.com newsletter, on Twitter @neilfiore, and Facebook, Neil Fiore

Next event: Jan. 23rd, Sunday at 4pm PST Book signing of The Now Habit at Work, The Now Habit, and Awaken Your Strongest Self at Book Passage, Corte Madera, CA
http://www.bookpassage.com/event/neil-fiore-now-habit-work

Job Stress & Now Habit at Work [Wiley, 2010]

Muliple demands, job stress, & financial worries are turning more and more managers, small business owners, and working mothers into Workaholics with less time for family and health and liesure activities.
To make more time for the actions that will make a difference in your life:
-- Stop trying to get everything done. "Done" is in the imaginery future
-- Focus for 15 uninterrupted minutes on one project-- that means No checking email or Facebook, no getting up for a donut and coffee -- and your brain will learn that you mean business and want Problem-solving rather than your favorite distractions
-- Use 3-12 breaths [see Fiore's Centering exercise at www.neilfiore.com/articles.shtml as a transition to Focused Mindfulness
-- Tell your brain and body [your workers] When to start and What to do. Tell yourself the specific time you will start for 15 or 30 minutes on your Top Priority project. Become a more Effective Self-Manager and you will manage others effectively.

See my latest book, The Now Habit at Work offers new strategies for Optimal Performance on the job, in your business at home, and for entrepreneurs.

see www.neilfiore.com and www.neilfiore.com/coach.shtml for articles and coaching
Neil Fiore,PhD: Executive Coach, Speaker and Author of Awaken Your Strongest Self, The Now Habit, and The Now Habit at Work: Perform Optimally, Maintain Focus, and Ignite Motivation in Yourself and Others [Wiley, 2010]

Coping with the Emotional Impact of Cancer: National Cancer Survivors Day Podcast

Coping with the Emotional Impact of Cancer: National Cancer Survivors Day Podcast

Coping with Emotional Impact of Cancer broadcast

Author of Coping with the Emotional Impact of Cancer: Become an Active Patient. Hear a 30-year cancer survivor at http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/83586 from June 5, 2010 interview Noon PDT/ 3pm EDT
www.neilfiore.com

CHALLENGE YOUR CRITICAL VOICES

The Now Habit at Work: Perform Optimally, Maintain Focus, and
Ignite Motivation in Yourself and Others [Wiley, Aug. 2010] Neil A. Fiore, PhD www.neilfiore.com

Fiore Exercises:*
To identify and quiet your critical voices take about 10 minutes to listen to them.
Write out two statements: in Part 1, write a positive statement that is the opposite of the critical one; in Part 2, write its opposite, your usual self-criticism.

For example: In Part 1, you might write, “I’m industrious and productive” and in part 2, “I am lazy.”
Or, first you write: “I’m very reliable;” and then “I’m unreliable.”
Pause after writing each of these statements and listen to the “Yes but” voice of your worrying and critical mind.

Part 1. Write the positive statement that is the opposite of your usual self-criticism (e.g., “I’m very reliable” or “I’m very industrious”) and listen to and record whatever critical “Yes but” voices come to you.
Keep writing the positive quality until you’ve exhausted most if not all of your oppositional criticisms.
For example:
I’m very reliable.
"No you’re not."
I’m very reliable.
"You can’t be trusted with money and completing projects."
I’m very reliable.
"You can’t stay committed in your relationships."

Continue until all objections have been expressed and there are no more “Yes but” responses.

Part 2. Write a negative, critical version such as “I’m not reliable.” Listen for the “Yes but” responses.
For example:
I’m not reliable.
"Yes, but you are good at taking care of others."
I’m not reliable.
"Yes, but you're very dependable at your job."
I’m not reliable.
"Yes, you have some areas where you have difficulties but
overall you’re a reliable friend, mother, daughter, and employee."

Experiment using your most repeated self-criticisms and deep-seated self-doubts.

*This is my version of an exercise that has been around for years. It expands on what others have written years ago.
For coaching: www.neilfiore.com/coach.shtml
Permission to reprint is granted when the following copyright and contact information is included:
© Neil Fiore, 2010 All rights reserved. Email: neil@neilfiore.com www.neilfiore.com

Neil on ABC TV 7's View from the Bay Jan 15

http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?section=view_from_the_bay/health_fitness&id=7219930
Cancer survivor Dr. Neil Fiore shares this advice when dealing with a cancer diagnosis:
How to face the fear of diagnosis and reduce the stresses of therapy:
• Remember that "Cancer" is not a diagnosis. Ask for the specific type and stage and the treatments that are possible.
• Remember that 90% of some types of cancer are curable or held in remission.
• Reduce stress hormones by Choosing as much as you can about your treatment, your doctors, the timing of surgery and chemotherapy.

Choice is separate from “want to” or “have to” and lets your brain know that it's okay to work with your medical treatment.

How deal with feelings of stress and helplessness:
• Make yourself safe with you, regardless of what happens. Stress is a response to messages of danger and is shut off
when you decide that you are not going to make yourself feel bad--that you are safe with YOU.
• Remember to make choices and the Serenity Prayer. Stop trying to control what you can't control and focus on what you can do Now.
You will feel less helpless and frustrated and more effective by controlling what you can--your attitude and how you talk to and treat yourself.

How to establish team relationships with doctors and therapists:
• Ask questions to let your doctors know that you want to be an active member of your healthcare team. This will relax them from trying to take full responsibility for your life and your treatment decisions.
• Call on family and friends to help you get answers and to help you when you are too overwhelmed to respond to your doctor's news.
How to become an active patient and cope with the side effects of sometimes harsh treatments:
• Learn what you can about your treatment but once you've decided on a treatment focus on the positive benefits, not the negative side-effects e.g., replace "toxic" chemotherapy that will cause your hair to fall out with "powerful medicine that will kill rapidly dividing cells;" cancer cells are the most rapidly dividing followed by hair cells; therefore, loss of hair is a sign that my powerful ally is working.

How to build emotional support systems with physicians, family and friends:
• Let your doctors know that you're interested in a holistic treatment that includes your healthy body, mind and emotions.
• You, therefore, want to talk with a Nutritionist, a psychotherapist/ Medical Social Worker or Rehab therapist, and may want to join a support group.

How personal attitudes can have an enormous impact on the course of recovery:
• How you talk to yourself can lead to inner peace or stress.
• Make yourself safe with you regardless of what happens and you will shut off the stress hormones, increase the strength of your immune system, and possibly speed recovery from surgery and chemo.


see more about "Coping with the Emotional Impact of Cancer" at www.neilfiore.com and www.amazon.com

Getting Things STARTED vs To-Do Lists

by Dr. Neil Fiore, author of The Now Habit and Coping with the Emotional Impact of Cancer and Awaken Your Strongest Self

Start times: Use a schedule to list Start and Leave times and appointments rather than creating an overwhelming list of things you have to do.
• Avoid "I have so many things I have to Get Done."
o Remember: “done,” “finish,” “accomplish,” “deliver” are all in the imaginary future. Your body can’t get there so these images create anxiety -— stuck energy trying to get into a nonexistent future place.
o Keep Starting. The last time you start is when you’re finish. Don’t worry about finishing. Your new deadline is seeing what you can get started in 30 minutes.
o Deadlines in the distant future will keep you anxious and don’t tell your mind and body when to start. Back-time from the deadline to create a 3-dimensional path back to When, Where, and on What you can start.
If you benefit from the structure and organization of To Do Lists then you might have four lists:
1. Personal life: 3-5 things you don’t need a list for such as daily contact with your children; your spouse; your body, health, exercise; and Nature, breathing, meditating
2. Top Priority list—no more than 3-5 items that you start on every day. Know when you will start on AAA priority; followed by AA or BBB. These are the bottom line activities that will change your life, keep your job, and may take 40-1000 hours to complete.
3. Low Priority, C-level tasks. For these tasks a list is useful to clear your mind so you can focus on top priorities and as rewards for getting started. They might include: Put gas in the care on the way home; buy milk; pay phone bill or hire an assistant; fix the garage door; or empty the closet. This is a list that is looked at AFTER starting on AAA projects. This is also the list of activities you may choose to Let Go of – a “Things I want but can’t afford or don’t have time for now.”
4. Procrastination/Retirement List: things to put off until I’m retired and can consider at my leisure, if I choose: Learn Swahili, Salsa dancing, to play the piano, or write a book. This is your Guilt-Free Play list of things you don’t have to do now. Feel free to procrastinate and day dream on these projects.

©2009 Neil Fiore, PhD All rights reserved. Permission to reprint is granted provided this copyright and contact information are included: www.neilfiore.com neil@neilfiore.com
510 525 2673For coaching see: www.neilfiore.com/coach.shtml